Divorce Ritual: Why is it Important?
Divorce Ritual: Why is it Important?Why would you want to do a divorce ritual or divorce ceremony? Let’s consider the following comments, which are frequently heard by counselors from their divorced clients:
- “I’ve done plenty of counseling and grieving, I just can’t seem to accept it’s over.”
- “It’s been five years since my divorce, and it still feels like we are married.”
- “I’ve dated three different people since my divorce, and they’ve all been positive relationships. It just hasn’t felt right to commit again.”
- “I’ll probably never get married again…my first two marriages were failures.”
Even in mutually desired, amicable divorces, long after the court and grieving process is over, it is common for people to have an ambiguous difficulty in feeling complete with their divorce. Having assisting hundreds of spouses through the divorce process, I firmly believe that the missing ingredient of the divorce healing recipe is a divorce ritual.
It might be that you or both of you are working with therapists to process your divorce, or that you are moving through a more structured program, such as “Conscious Uncoupling.” Yet, how do you know when you are done? What provides a sense of completion, so that you can set it all aside for awhile? A divorce ritual or breakup ritual is ideal for giving you that sense of closure.
Rituals are Core to our Humanity
Humans have used rituals to recognize the importance of holidays, seasons, births, deaths, and major life changes for thousands of years. Society, governments, and organizations use rituals for beginnings, endings, and to honor the dates of historical evens. However, if you are like most people, you have not considered a ritual to process and honor the significance of your divorce.
You may have finalized your divorce and settled into new routines in your respective homes. Completion of these legal, financial, and logistical elements in your divorce can all provide a sense of closure. However, marriage is not solely a legal and financial entity. A divorce ritual or ceremony is the most effective way to get closure for the psychological, emotional, and spiritual aspects of a marriage that has ended.
Your Marriage Started with a Ritual
Your marriage or partnership began with a ritual; your wedding ceremony (or commitment ceremony). This probably included:
- A ritual format (a particular meaningful sequence of interactions),
- The stating of intentions or vows aloud.
- Gathering friends and family, requesting their witness, support, and celebration of your partnership and commitments to each other,
- Imbuing an object (such as a ring) with meaning, and
- Consciously or not, requesting witness and support in the union from something that is beyond us, some divine entity.
These are all rituals. Even if you secretly eloped in Las Vegas, there was ritual involved: a dress, a ring, a song, some vows, etc.
Since your marriage started with a ritual, shouldn’t it end with a ritual, as the bookend on the back side of the marriage? Like a bookend, a divorce ritual helps to contain and organize the “stories” of your marriage.
Benefits of a Divorce Ritual / Ceremony
Some of the benefits of a divorce ritual include:
- Helps you experience, process and release anger, resentment, guilt, and any other stuck emotions lingering from the divorce.
- Brings energy to, and helps forward your grieving process.
- Helps you unwind and release, or re-clarify the commitments you made to yourself, your ex, your community, and spirit.
- Helps you reset relationship dynamics and draw clean boundaries about how you will interact with your ex in the future.
- A more complete understanding and completion of your marriage supports you in being present and available for a future relationship.
- As a “rite of passage,” it acts as a portal, encouraging you to step into and embrace your new, separate life and goals.
Divorce Rituals: Why do they Work?
Numerous scientific studies have demonstrated that rituals before tasks reduce anxiety, while increasing confidence and performance. Ask any highly successfull professional athletes or performer: they have rituals they rely upon. However, science hasn’t yet explained why rituals “work.” I believe the power of a ritual is the combination of a few forces: you set a clear intention (and bring energy to that intention), take an action that symbolizes that intention (which sets it in motion), then ask for loved ones and spirit (the universe) to witness and support you in those goals and intentions.
In this way, a ritual is a similar formula for you go about accomplishing anything in life. For example, imagine that you want to run a marathon. You first set your intention to do so. Then, you sign up for a marathon or training group (an action that symbolizes the intention). Finally, you tell your friends and family that this is your goal (effectively asking for witness and support in the process).
A Divorce Ceremony
A divorce ceremony, another name for a divorce ritual, is not a new concept. Many religions and cultures around the world have had established ceremonies for ending a marriage. Over the past 20 years, there has been a growing awareness of the importance of divorce ceremonies as indicated with this New York Times article on “Untying the Knot.”
There are now several religious institutions that offer divorce ceremonies. This divorce ceremony guide even includes examples of divorce ceremony vows. I think of a divorce ceremony as a more formal ritual, which likely includes both spouses, and friends and family to witness, much like the wedding ceremony.
Divorce Party Ideas
Another quickly growing offshoot of a divorce ritual is hosting a divorce party. The idea of a divorce party shifts the religious and social stigma of divorce to one of a public celebration. You may be celebrating a natural ending to a positive marriage, the release of a difficult one, or the re-birth and transformation you are going through.
Even when there is tremendous sadness surrounding a divorce, a divorce party can still be appropriate. Think of a “Funeral Second Line”, a jazz marching band processesion that is part of New Orleans culture, where the death of a loved one is honored by this energetic, musical, public parade-type celebration of their life.
While there are rare ex-spouses who co-host such a function, this event is often hosted by each person with their own network of supportive family and friends. There are now numerous services and tools including divorce party planners, specialized divorce cakes, divorce cards, divorce party favors, etc.
You might plan a divorce party in conjunction with a divorce ceremony, as a separate event, or just use the term as a lighthearted way to refer to a divorce ceremony.
Creating Your Divorce Ritual
I believe that the divorce ritual is the crucial process at the core of a divorce ceremony or divorce party. The ritual is the part where you will be doing the self-care, emotional and spiritual work. This is the part where you might grieve, process the history and ending of the relationship, and set your intentions to move forward in the healthiest way.
While a divorce ceremony can be especially potent to share with your ex, it is just as meaningful and essential for spiritual closure as doing it without their participation. The structure and specifics are highly personal in nature, and only as limited as our creativity.
Due to the tender, transformative, and deeply personal nature of a divorce ritual, you might consider planning and doing it by yourself, with a few close friends, or a spritual leader. At Oregon Divorce Guides, we can also refer you to a Ritual Facilitator who can help you design, host, and support your divorce ritual.